Do you guys mind recording a birthday message for my mum?
Oh, yeah, OK.
Yeah, if you come over here so that it's all...
- OK and... - Do you not want to be in it?
- Go! - Oh, hi.
Hi, Clive's Mum, happy birthday.
- Hi, Clive's Mum, happy birthday. - Hi.
- Have a good one. - Hope you're having a good day.
Don't get too drunk.
- I hope you get a really nice present. - Yeah.
Cos that's what you would like.
And all mums deserve that right, Clive's mum?
- And hope Clive got you flowers. - And action.
- Oh! - You weren't filming that?
Happy birthday, Clive's Mum!
Subtitles by explosiveskull
Today at Northend Airport the staff await their morning
briefing with Chief Inspector Linda Proctor.
It can sometimes be a subdued affair but today the agents
are in for something of a shock.
Morning! Morning, morning, morning, morning.
Ah, there you go.
Ha! What a beautiful morning it is too.
- Look, I brought you all coffee. - Oh, well, oh...
You doing something different with your hair, Andy?
- No, no... - Well whatever it is,
you're looking mighty fine!
Woo! OK, everyone, have a fantastic day.
What's with this?
Ah, I know, so bitter.
- No, this... that. - It's like she's been smoking the old PCP.
Maybe she just had a nice dream?
Didn't have any nightmares.
Listen, I know you're all talking about me,
it's very simple I've... I've just been given the all clear.
Ah! Only joking! I've just given up the booze... just for a month.
I thought she was dying.
Yeah, so I've just decided to have a bit of a detox, you know,
give my liver a bit of a cleanse.
Stop looking at life through the golden telescope of Chablis.
Plus I woke up at the weekend in the shower at a Premier Inn,
covered in sick with my tights wrapped round my head!
I heard that once she got so drunk she woke up on the baggage
carrousel... at JFK Airport.
I heard that she'd wear two pairs of socks on a night out,
in case on her way home she needed a shite.
She would step into a doorway and use one of the pairs of socks.
Once she got so drunk she took a bin to school instead of her daughter.
She dressed it and everything.
Why doesn't she just use a packed of tissues?
I heard that once she got so drunk she woke up inside a beehive,
and she was the queen bee... So stupid, sorry.
I heard that she drank a bottle of wine... over dinner.
Oh, you want a real one, sorry.
Erm... no, they're too dark.
After the fun and games of their initial
reaction, Agents Church and Mansoor now take a moment to
seriously consider Proctor's newfound life goals.
So, erm, how long do you think she'll last?
- Oh, wait, what's the time? - You don't think she'll last a day?
- Not one day. - She'll last a month.
There's a reason that she started her dry month on the 25th.
She won't last until lunch, I can guarantee you.
That's... I mean give the woman some credit.
Do you wanna make it interesting?
Fifty quid?
- Yeah? - A bet OK.
Or we, er, go up to London,
make a night of it... loser pays?
But how can we make a night of it if we have to get the last train home.
We could just stay over.
Yeah, or we could just bet on the money instead.
Yeah just the cash,
- just the cold hard cash. - End of the month.
- End of the day. OK. - OK.
One of the good things about Brexit is that we're seeing a return
to the Great British workman.
Now I'm not anti-European, I love Lidl, and I think the Poles
are great, you know, they've all worked here in the
past and fantastically hard workers they are too.
But it is lovely to see a local tradesman like Barry.
- Huh, I'm from Manchester actually. - Yeah, well working class then.
Nah, my parents are both doctors.
- British though... - I'm actually half Spanish.
OK. Sure, whatever. How's it coming along?
Yeah, it's still at the investigative stage.
Rough time scale? I've got a lot of women with crossed legs out there.
Difficult to say, there's a lot of imponderables.
- But definitely today? - Yeah, yeah,
unless it's tomorrow.
Right, well, do your best.
While Proctor struggles to deal with the handsome plumber,
at passport control Agent Brodie's about to encounter
plumbing complications of a different nature.
Oh...
Sorry, madam.
Are you attempting to travel on someone else's passport here
- cos...? - No, No.
The thing is your passport here it says Alec Barnes and well,
clearly you're not Alec Barnes.
It appears that Alicia Barnes is attempting to travel on a
passport belonging to her pre-transition identity Alec Barnes.
Shitting Norah.
Situation I'm in right now,
is fairly tricky.
I'm dealing with someone from the transgender community
and I have to be very, very careful how I go about this.
I have to do a couple of, erm, checks.
The whole Alec/Alicia interface thing.
Can I... can I get you anything?
Yes.
- You can get me a fucking lawyer. - Oh, my.
I was thinking more like a... like a cup of tea,
- or like a Hobnob. - Fuck's sake!
This is an infringement of my human rights.
It's just a biscuit. I wasn't thinking straight and I asked her
if she wanted a Hobnob, you know.
Out of all of the biscuits.
While Agent Brodie finds himself several miles out of his comfort zone,
Proctor has one clear goal.
To get the ladies toilets fixed.
Barry, how's it going?
- Oh, cracking on, yeah. - Found out what the problem is yet?
- Yep. - What is it then?
- I doubt you'd understand. - Try me, I did a DIY evening class.
- It's the ABS. - The ABS?
- The... - Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene.
- Yes... - Which is?
- The... - ...Drainage pipe. Yeah... yes,
- you could have just said drainage pipe. - You said you were an expert in plumbing.
I didn't really say I was an expert in plumbing, anyway how much longer?
Well, it's difficult I keep getting interrupted.
By who?
Right you are then.
Yeah, I'm doing really good,
it's only day one obviously but I feel much clearer in the head,
I feel like I can cope with anything.
I have given up drinking before.
For 9 months actually when I was pregnant and that was worth it.
Meanwhile Agent Church is confident that she might have
what it takes to gain the trust of Alicia Barnes until the situation can be resolved.
Hi, Alicia, this is my
colleague Andy Church.
- She's a woman so... - Yes.
Hi, how are you?
Do you have any idea how disrespectful you people are being?
I understand how frustrating it can be.
My name's Andy so often people mistake me for a bloke as well.
Oh and that's the same is it?
I mean it's mainly in emails so I don't...
That is in no way fucking equivalent!
Mmm, absolutely, yeah.
No, I... Yeah. OK.
- Andy? - Mmm, no, I've gotta...
Andy...
Erm... In America,
some girls are called Jamie.
Somewhat bruised from her encounter Agent Church heads to
baggage handling where she knows no one will ask her to do anything difficult.
Simple, yeah. Where the lychee at?
Watch this...
You ain't gonna get it you know.
Where the lychee at?
Yeah. I know, he always puts it in the middle every time.
OK, yeah, beginners luck and that innit?
Oh, where the lychee at?
Just stop putting it in the middle it's always in the middle.
You might stand a chance of fooling someone
if you stop putting it in the middle.
I didn't even think I put it there that time.
- It's going round so fast. - Are you ready?
Bruv, I'll close my eyes and do it. Go on.
Don't close your eyes cos you won't know...
Where's the lychee at?
It's in that one, cause I didn't put it in the middle.
Why did you close your eyes?
- Yeah, but it's always in the middle? - It's not...
Back in the interview room Agent Brodie's trying to explain the
complexities of the case to Alicia Barnes as tactfully as he can.
So you left the UK on this passport?
Yes... and I transitioned in the States.
And you haven't travelled anywhere
- else on this passport? - No.
Cos you see, the problem here, that I have,
is that as it is Alec Barnes who left the UK...
Alec Barnes no longer exists!
I completely understand that, Alicia.
But maybe he could just exist for a few minutes
in order for you to get through passport control.
I'm trying to help you out here.
I mean do you...? Do you have a...?
Do you still
have a...? Yeah.
Yeah. No...
No. Imagine if it was like... if we were in a
gameshow and it was like Stars In Your Eyes and I was like...
You were like "Oh, tonight, Grant, I'm gonna be..."
and then you went through and you came out and you were like
"Oh, I'm Alec Barnes," and then you just went straight
through passport control and then you were like, "I've won."
I'll just...
I'll...
Oh, I got you... It's not a Hob... It's a fudge.
I should have picked the Kit Kat.
You need to get right down. Yeah. And up.
And up.
And then one arm, and down, and up, and down.
And up. OK, not so good with that one.
Stand up. Right, let's
see what your core's like.
Yeah, get down there, get your arms out.
Yeah, Mum...
Uh-huh.
Erm...
Hm...
Ohhhhhh!
Aaargh!
AAAARGH!
- Hey, hey, hey. - AAAAH!
Hey, you OK?
- I thought you weren't gonna come back. - Hey, I'm back.
- I thought that was it. - I'm back, it's OK.
Despite today's challenges rapidly mounting, Proctor still
maintains a teetotal cheery disposition.
Agent Mansoor, who's bet that she'll fall off the wagon by the
end of the day, is on hand to help with any work-related issues.
How's the repairs to the ladies loo come along?
Yes, on schedule, yes.
Yeah, it's just that I've got a lot of the women out here up in arms,
you know. A lot of people out there blaming you, you know,
getting a bit angry, "Typical Proctor fucking things up" is what I'm hearing.
- Well, we can't have that! - Yeah.
Agent Mansoor returns to his desk content in the knowledge that
by keeping Proctor informed of the situation, he's made a
valuable positive contribution.
- Don't think I didn't see that. - She's not gonna make it till lunch,
- such a shame. - That's loading the dice.
With the ladies toilets not likely to
be fixed any time soon,
Proctor has come up with an elegant temporary solution.
There you go, can't complain now, can they?
No, no it's a good idea you know, we'll be like a forward-thinking,
- modern tech company or something. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah,
let's just drop all this
- gender binary rubbish and... - Exactly.
- Get with the 21st century. - Yeah.
- Hey, guys. - Oh, hi, Clive, what do you think?
- It's really cool. - Good, isn't it?
- Yeah, together. - Yeah,
- yeah, that's the point, yeah. - Yeah.
- Oh, we'll give you some... - Oh,
you're still, yeah... I thought maybe use the cubicle...
Oh, Andy can you look at something for me?
Erm...
- It's on my desk. - OK, yeah, that's fine.
- Right. OK. - Thank you.
Bye all.
How do you guys always know what room to be in?
With the unisex toilets an immediate success,
Proctor checks in on Barry the charismatic plumber.
- Where've you been? - Tea break.
Another one?
Research suggests a 20 minute tea break improves productivity by 17%.
Oh yeah, it hasn't improved yours, it's the fourth tea break in two hours.
I might have a vagina but don't treat me like a cunt.
- What you saying? - What I wouldn't give for a Pole.
What was that?
Oh nothing, please just get on with your work!
Did you just say you want a Polish plumber?
- Yeah, maybe I did. - Well, why don't you go and find a Polish
- plumber then because I'm done! - Maybe I will.
Good... you do that!
- Thank you, yes I will. - Well, good luck with it.
Thank you very much,
- good luck with your journey home. - Yeah, you too,
- don't get stuck in traffic. - I won't!
Do you know any Polish plumbers?
In the interview room passenger Alicia Barnes is awaiting
processing after being detained for travelling
on her old pre-transition passport.
There's two beetles inside the bottle...
Agent Brodie was already struggling to
cope with the situation,
but now to make matters worse Agent Hassler has
wandered in unsupervised.
I wasn't supposed to say they're in a bottle.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Sorry, it's been a bit of a weird day,
apparently there's a transgender person in the airport.
- Erm... - I mean
it's not weird, but we're kind of like, "Whoa, what do we do?"
What do you do?
Speak to them, make them feel comfortable,
not be like, "Ohh, what's that?!"
- You know and pointing and laughing. - Clive...
- Like a freak. - Yeah,
cos they might feel that they get treated like...
Clive...
- She's right. - Clive...
Fortunately for Agent Brodie the cavalry is about to arrive.
Oh, my God, Clive, come on.
I...your phone, your phone's on.
My phone, sorry. Lovely to meet you.
- We'll finish this later. - Yes, great.
Look after this one, OK?
Erm...
With the ladies toilets still out of action,
it seems Polish plumbers are in short supply.
Oh, hello. Could I speak to Andre Kawolesky, please?
Yeah, he's gone back to Poland.
OK, then what about his brother Jaromir?
However, Proctor is about to be offered an unlikely solution.
Yeah, Proctor!
- 'Sup. - Hello.
Er, listen we heard on the... What's it called, bruv?
- Grapevine. - On the grapevine, thank you, Suji,
that you are in need of a plumber, is that right?
- Yeah, do you know one? - We're experts in servicing pipes,
you understand what I'm saying?
I did all the pipes in my house and that.
Yeah, ceiling pipes, floor pipes...
- Stairs as well. - Stair pipes,
- I did all them, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Really?
Well, that would be... I mean that would be absolutely incredible
if you could help. I would be so grateful.
Anything for you, P, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.
Oh, right, yes.
- There you go. Lovely. - We'll get on that straight away, yeah?
Thank you so much, much appreciated guys.
- Thank you, Proctor. - Brilliant.
As Mo and Suj head off to grab their tools and service the pipes in the ladies,
Agent Brodie is using all of his people skills to keep the
simmering Alicia Barnes from boiling over.
Listen, Gimli.
You're gonna go out there and get me the paperwork I need
so I can get out of this place.
And you can fuck off back to the mines of Mordor or
whatever fucking hole you came from you irritating little hobbit.
Go on, do one!
Fucking hell.
Gimli's a fucking dwarf, he's not a fucking hobbit.
Struggling now, Agent Brodie decides this is way above his pay grade.
- Linda... - I was just getting
rid of that, er, yes, what can I...
You're gonna have to go in there and deal with her because
I'm at the end of my tether.
Look it's quite simple, Grant,
all you have to do is follow procedure and stay calm, OK?
You've done the training, you've been on the courses.
Yeah, I've done the training,
been on the courses but nothing can prepare you for...
- I'm telling you now she's feisty, Linda. - For God's sake I'll do it myself.
Honestly, if you want to do anything you have to do it yourself round here.
- I'm waiting here. - If you want anything done,
ask a busy woman.
Cos all the men are too busy being intimidated, God's sake, feisty.
Right... Fuck this travesty, fuck this office!
Fuck all of your fucking assistants and fuck you!
Yeah, she's... she's feisty.
Just got this lovely bottle of Brunello in duty free...
Oh, you're not drinking!
That's entrapment.
Really?
With all of the agents now desperate to avoid antagonising Alicia further,
Agent Brodie takes a few minutes before re-entering with a warm, placating smile.
So, how did you get on with my superior?
- I need the fucking loo. - All right, yep, yep, come with me.
You see, here it is, that's er...
- Er, I want to use the ladies. - Ah, it's broked.
- Well, fix it. - We are on to that Ms Barnes.
In the meantime if you
- could just use this one. - I'm not using the gents,
- I'm not a man. - No, it's not the gents, it's unisex.
Yeah, it's unisex. It has a perfect harmony of male and of the female.
- It's unisex. - Do you think sticking up
a hand written sign is gonna fool me?
- Do you think I'm a fucking idiot? - No.
- Don't patronise me.
Fuck this! You people are unbelievable.
My lawyer's going to have an absolute field day with you!
- Oh... - It's Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene...
Yeah, I know that.
- But that's not your problem. - Well, what's the problem?
- Tell her Suji. - Yeah, we're not plumbers.
- We ain't plumbers. - God!
Excuse me.
After an unusually cheerful start for Proctor,
it's been a trying day.
With no resolution to the issue of the broken toilets.
OK, fine.
However, back in the interview room, Agent Brody finally has
some progress to report on the Alicia Barnes case.
Good news, Alicia.
I've got your documentation here, so you're good to go.
You know where you're going?
But it seems she found her own solution to the plumbing problem.
I pissed in your bin.
Funny...
Oh, she's...
She, erm, well, she really did, she pissed in the bin.
Erm... yeah, I'm gonna get rid of this, I think.
Carrying Alicia's parting gift,
Agent Brodie heads to the much maligned unisex toilet.
- Is that? - A bucket of piss?
Yes.
Some people, eh?
I don't have £50 on me.
- Well, I can escort you to the cashpoint. - Yeah, OK. Fine.
As delicately as possible,
Agent Brodie finishes clearing Alicia Barnes from Northend Airport.
- Night, Linda. - Night, Grant.
Subtitles by explosiveskull